Communication in Marriage is a Key to Marital Success

My last two posts have been about loving our spouses – using the five love languages and remembering that we must be selfless as we choose to love. Another key aspect of having a healthy marriage is having healthy communication.

Regarding communication in marriage, I have appreciated this insight from The Secret of Loving, by Josh McDowell, for many years:

Most people think of talking as communication–with the goal of getting their point-of-view across. Meaningful communication, however, is two-fold…both talking and listening. The facet most neglected by couples today is listening. From the fact that God gave us two ears and one mouth, the Irish have drawn the thoughtful conclusion that we should listen twice as much as we talk.

James wrote, ”Be quick to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19). The phrase ”quick to hear” means to be ”a ready listener.” But most people are a lot more comfortable in communication when they are doing the talking. They feel greater security in asserting their positions, feelings, opinions, and ideas than in listening to those of another. Listening is the most difficult aspect of communication for most people. Listening never comes naturally.

Hearing is basically to gain content or information for your own purposes. Listening is caring for and being empathetic toward the person who is talking. Hearing means that you are concerned about what is going on inside you during the conversation. Listening means that you are trying to understand the feelings of the other person and are listening for his/her sake.

It is imperative that we recognize that we always communicate in one way or another. In other words, even silence is communication. So, the key to communication is to do it effectively, in a way that creates a climate of greater intimacy and vulnerability.

The best commentary I’ve heard on Jesus’ commandment to ”love your neighbor as yourself” is by David Augsburger: ”To love you as I love myself is to seek to hear you as I want to be heard and understand you as I long to be understood.”

…When you and I listen to another person we are conveying the thought that ”I’m interested in you as a person, and I think that what you feel is important. I respect your thoughts, even if I don’t agree with them. I know that they are valid for you. I feel sure that you have a contribution to make. I’m not trying to change you or evaluate you. I just want to understand you. I think you’re worth listening to, and I want you to know that I’m the kind of person that you can talk to.”

So, how good of a listener are you for your spouse on a scale of 1 to 10?

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