Categories
Relationships

Choosing to Love Requires You to be Selfless. Love is Not a Feeling.

Choosing to love someone versus feeling loving toward someone. Should there be a difference? And why am I being asked to be selfless? Shouldn’t others be meeting my needs? As I mentioned in my last post, Gary Chapman identified Five Love Languages that people can express and need:

  • Affirming Words
  • Providing Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch
  • All five of these can be important to us, but there is usually one that will be more important for you to receive than the other four.

    Without asking him or her, what do you think your spouse’s primary love language is?
    What do you think your spouse’s secondary love language is?
    Have your spouse do the free online test at 5lovelanguages.com to see if you are right.

    The primary and secondary love languages are seldom the same for a husband and wife. But that doesn’t mean you cannot fill each others’ tanks. Instead, you must each ask this question – Can I fill my spouse’s love tank even though it is different from how I naturally show love?
    photo of the feet of bride and groom on wedding day symbolizing selfless love
    Being “in love” is not a feeling. Love is something you choose to do for someone else. We know this to be true, but then we often operate as if love is a feeling. For example, we know it is a choice, because we say on our wedding day that we will be committed to one another for better or for worse. Therefore, you know that you must choose to love…even when times get “worse.”

    We also know love to be a choice based on how we choose to love our children. We tell them, “No matter what you do, I will always love you.” And then we fulfill that statement. Even when they mess up. Even when they hurt our feelings. Even when they disobey us or betray us. The selfless love of a parent remains – no matter what.

    And though we understand this with our children, too often we are unwilling to provide that same level of selfless love to our spouse – the person who we stood before God and everyone and said “I vow to love you till death do us part, even in times of sickness and even if things in life get worse.”

    We know that love is a choice and not a feeling because that is how we have chosen to love our children – unconditionally. Be sure to remind yourself that it is to be the same with your spouse – love is a choice, so choose to love your spouse unconditionally.

    If love is a choice, then we can choose to speak our spouse’s love language even when it is not our primary love language. We can decide to show them our love, even when the way they want to receive love isn’t the way we most naturally give it. We can choose to do this because, as the Bible says, “love is not self-seeking.” Choose to be selfless. Choose to love.

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    Categories
    Relationships

    I Recommend that You Find Out Your Spouse’s Love Language

    Do you know your love language? Do you know your spouse’s? How about your children’s?

    Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, has been around for more than 20 years. And it is still a powerful resource to help us love those around us – our spouse, our children, our family members, even our friends and co-workers.

    Even if you do not read the rest of the post after this sentence, be sure that you go to this Five Love Languages Website Link to take the free on-line test to discover your primary love language. And then get your spouse and children to take it. And then share with each other the languages that mean the most to each of you.
         (The free assessment consists of 30 questions and only takes 10-15 minutes to complete)
    a graphic showing the five love languages
    Dr. Gary Chapman has hit on a fundamental principle for us all in his discussion on love languages, as he indicates that:

  • Love is an emotional need. If we know we are loved, the whole world is bright, but if we don’t have love being poured into us, we are likely to feel lonely and unappreciated.
  • Inside each of us is an emotional “love tank” that needs to be filled with the “right fuel” to help us feel loved.
  • Each of us has a primary love language, and we expresses love in the way that comes naturally to us. And since it is rare for a couple to speak the same love language, each person must learn to show love in the way that their spouse needs to receive it.
  • Love is a choice – something we do for the other person. We can and must learn to speak our partner’s primary love language, or we may wind up with our partner feeling unloved despite our sincere effort to love them.
  • Remember that when speaking your partner’s love language “doesn’t come naturally” to you, and yet you make the effort to do so anyway, you are showing your partner just how important they are to you.
  • The issue is not being comfortable, the issue is choosing to love.
  • It takes practice, practice, practice, but the results will be worth it!
  • The Love Chapter found in the Bible at 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 provides us with a look at the selfless nature of God’s love that we should take in and then pour out to our spouse and to others. It tells us that:

    Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

    Are you willing to learn the love language of your spouse and your children and then selflessly provide love to them in a way that might not always come naturally to you?

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    Categories
    Parenting Salvation

    Parents, Children, and Salvation Questions

    I often have parents come to me with salvation questions regarding their children, such as:
        Do you think they are ready? and
        Do you think they are too young?

    child with hands over his face with question marks floating around - symbolizing salvation questions
    Christian parents want their children to know Jesus and His salvation, but they want it to be real. Therefore, parents are often worried about pressuring their children too early.
    (This discussion is based out of the Baptist framework of children being baptized after belief in Jesus for salvation.)

    So here are a few aspects of salvation that parents need their children to understand:
       (I adapted much of this from another source, and though I usually keep up with sources, I somehow have lost this one)

    The Concept of Sin
    Every person (including children):
       1. Must understand what sin is.
       2. Must know that he/she has sinned.
       3. Must understand that when he/she sins, it is against God.
       4. Must believe that sin separates him/her from God.
       5. Must feel sorry for his/her sin and want to cease sinful actions (repent).

    How do Children Become Christians?
    The same way adults do! After hearing the gospel message of what Jesus has done and then desiring to be saved, each of the following elements must be present:
       1. Repentance – not just knowledge of sin, but sadness over the sin & the desire to reverse his/her direction into whole-hearted obedience to God.
       2. Faith – trusting in, believing in, & depending on Jesus for salvation.
       3. Confession – committing one’s life to serve Jesus as Lord (King/Master).

    My Child Is Asking Questions About Salvation and Baptism. Is He/She Ready?
    Children ask questions about lots of subjects because they are naturally curious. When it comes to their asking questions about salvation, do not confuse curiosity with readiness for salvation. These two items are distinctly different, but the curiosity is a great starting point to begin the conversations with your child about becoming a follower of Christ.

    Children need to clearly know the difference between:
       1. Becoming a Christian
          This is Step 1: the most important step – Jesus transforms our lives.
       2. Being Baptized
          This is Step 2: baptism being a symbol that tells the world of our connection to Christ, our obedience to Him, and our fellowship with all other believers.
       3. Becoming a Member of a Church
          This is Step 3: our decision to unite with a local group of believers. The first church we join is the one in which we are baptized, but we are to continue to be connected to a local body throughout our lives so that we can support, encourage, and sharpen one another throughout our lives as Christians.

    To the Parent who is worried about whether your child is “ready” or not:
    If your child (or children) know the concepts of the ABC’s of salvation well, then I would recommend the following steps:
    1. Go ahead and pray with them, encouraging them to confess Jesus as their Lord and Savior. This is never a bad idea, not even to do multiple times, even if you would like to hold off on baptism for a while to make sure that they understand the gospel and salvation.

    2. Have them talk with your pastor so he can sit down with them and ask them the same questions that should be asked of everyone before joining the church, so he can also hear their answers to the questions. That way everyone can be in agreement about whether your child is ready for salvation, baptism, and church membership.

    3. You can share with them that you want them to wait a bit longer to be baptized, because you want to make sure of two things that occur with people their age who are baptized:
         a. many times children their age want to be baptized because other people are making the same decision, and while we don’t think that is the case with them, we want to wait just a bit more time to make sure they are certain of why they are being baptized.
         b. many times when children their age are baptized at such a young age, they have a hard time remembering it, and we want them to be able to remember it because it is so important for every person.

    I have baptized young children, but I do know that it is harder for them to remember the event the earlier the age at which they are baptized. And that can sometimes lead to doubts later on, such as in the teenage years, of asking: “Did I really understand what I was doing back then?” When that occurs, my questions to them are: Did you know you were a sinner then? Did you believe Jesus died on the cross? Did you believe Jesus rose again? Did you want Jesus to be your Lord? Did you have a conversation about this with your parents and/or pastor? If your answer is yes to all the questions, then yes, you can trust that you were saved and you understood it at a 7-year-old level, and as you have grown older you have also grown in your understanding of Jesus and what He did to save you from your sin.

    I was 8 when I was baptized and I don’t remember much about the experience. But I do know I was saved with an 8-year-old understanding and now I understand it with a 44-year-old understanding. I have come far, but I still have much more to learn about salvation. Our church’s current youth minister was 7 when he was baptized and he remembers his experience quite vividly. He also agrees that he was saved with a 7-year-old understanding and now he understands salvation at a deeper level.

    So I would say:
    1. If your child has a handle on the concepts, then certainly have them pray with you about salvation.
    2. Determine if you want them to go ahead and be baptized or if you feel they should wait a bit longer.
    3. Let your pastor know what you decide, and bring your child to talk to him.
    4. Allow your pastor to go over it again with your child, and if he also feels that they are ready, then celebrate their salvation, no matter whether your decision is for them to “wait-a-while” or “go ahead and be baptized.”

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    Categories
    Salvation

    Admit, Believe, Confess – The Simple Components of Salvation

    In my previous post on Simplicity, I stated that I would unpack the concepts of the ABCs of Salvation a bit more in this post. So the simple components of salvation are that we Admit, Believe, and Confess. But what does each of these mean?
    the word simple spelled out in scrabble tiles

    A – Admit that you are a sinner.

    But what is sin?
    Simply, sin is any choice you make that isn’t what God wants.
    Sin can be when we do something He tells us we shouldn’t do.
        For example, God says “do not steal,” so if we steal something, then we have disobeyed & sinned.
    Sin can also be when we don’t do something God tells us we should do.
        For example, God says to “honor your father & mother,” and if we don’t honor them, then we have sinned.

    And the Bible tells us two very clear things about sin:
        1. “…all have sinned….” (from Romans 3:23)
        2. “The wages of sin is death….” (from Romans 6:23)
    Everyone has sinned, and there is serious punishment because of it.

    Since we are sinners, the punishment means that without Jesus we cannot have a relationship with God. Jesus says He is the only way to begin a relationship with God. So how does this work?

    We have to realize that we are sinners and that we have done something that God didn’t want us to do. And just as we apologize to another person when we do something unkind to them, we need to apologize to God when we realize we have sinned. In Acts, when Peter told people about having sin, they asked “What should we do to be saved?” And the first thing Peter told them was to “Repent” – to apologize to God and turn away from the sinful things they were doing.

    B – Believe Jesus is who He said He is: the Savior of the World

    John 3:16 & Romans 10:9 indicate that we are to Believe that:
    1. Jesus is God’s Son sent to earth because God loves us,
    2. Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins, and
    3. Jesus was raised from the dead by the power of God.

    Let’s take an imaginary trip back to grade school for an illustration of how Jesus can be the substitute sacrifice for us:
    Imagine that you disobeyed a teacher at school and were told that your punishment was going to be seven licks with a paddle swung by Coach McMuscles, and you are fearful of the coming punishment. But just before you are paddled, your best friend comes in and asks to be paddled in your place… that would make your friend the willing substitute. If they allowed that substitution, your friend would be standing in your place and receiving the punishment you deserved so that you could go free without any consequences. Your friend did nothing to deserve the paddling, but your friend was willing to pay the price that you owed.

    All of us owe a much higher price than a paddling for our sins. Because we broke God’s commands and committed treason against Him, our punishment is our whole life. Because of your sin, you are condemned to eternal, spiritual death. And no one else could be your substitute because everyone has sinned and everyone owes the same amount. So Jesus, the only One without sin and therefore without the same condemnation, stepped in to take your place – to be a substitute sacrifice for you and to pay the cost of what you owed because of your sin. He did this by dying on the cross, in order that you could have a relationship with God. And now you have to believe that this good news of Jesus dying for you and then rising from the dead is true.

    C – Confess Jesus as Lord

    Romans 10:9-10 tells us to confess that Jesus Christ will be your Lord, meaning that He will be the one to control your life from this point forward. This means that you will no longer live to please yourself, but that you will commit your life to please Jesus and to show your love for Him. A lord or a king had servants or workers that were obedient to him. When we confess Jesus as Lord, we are saying to Him that He will be our King and will be in control of our lives, because we are committing to serve Him completely.

    It is because Jesus loved you first and was the substitute sacrifice for you that you are able to:
    A – admit your sin to Him, repent, and ask forgiveness;
    B – believe that Jesus is God’s Son and that He died on the cross for you so that you could have a relationship with God;
    C – confess that Jesus will be your Lord & commit your life to Him so that He controls all that you do.

    So the simple (yet most important) question for each of us is…
    Have you Admitted, Believed, and Confessed?

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    Categories
    Salvation

    The Simplicity of Becoming a Christian

    Simplicity.
    It can be very good.
    Back in March of this year, I posted about our need to know the Essentials of Christianity (click the link if you missed it or need a reminder of the 9 Essentials.)

    And while the 9 Essentials can help us test whether a religious system is Christian or not, it doesn’t tell us whether an individual person is a Christian or not. Therefore, we also need to know the simple information of how a person becomes a Christian.

    First, a person needs to hear the gospel message of Jesus: the story of His miraculous birth, His perfect life, His death on the cross for the redemption of sinful humanity, and His resurrection from the dead. When God then uses the gospel message to draw someone to Himself, the person will want to know: “What must I do to be saved?” And it is at that point that we need to have a clear and simple answer.

    Jesus answered simply: Repent and Believe (Mark 1:15).
    Paul answered simply: Believe and Confess (Romans 10:9).

    These ideas have been pulled together as the ABCs of Salvation, which LifeWay has been using with children for many years in their Vacation Bible School materials. Most importantly, the ABCs of Salvation are biblical. But also, they are simple, they are helpful, and they apply to both young and old.
    an image with the phrase The ABCs to symbolize the simplicity of the message of salvation

    The 3 words are:
    1) Admit
    2) Believe
    3) Confess

    Admit your sins and repent.
    Believe in your heart that Jesus died on the cross and God raised him from the dead.
    Confess that Jesus will rule your life as Lord and Master.

    That’s it.
    It is simple.
    But that doesn’t mean it is easy, because:
    –Repentance means not only walking away from ungodly behavior, but walking toward God.
    –Belief requires that you trust something (and in this case, someone) that you have not been able to see with your own eyes.
    –And Confessing that someone else will rule your life instead of yours requires that you die to yourself.
    These are serious and difficult tasks, even though they are simple concepts to understand.

    Therefore, simplicity is good, but simplicity can also require difficult decisions and commitments.
    In my next post I’ll flesh this out a bit more, but for today, take time to thank God for the simplicity of the gospel!

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